Welcome to EFTandCNM.com. A website about relationship counselling for couples in a consensual non-monogamous relationship, like polyamory, swinging or open relationships, the relationship structure that I am having. As that is my base, most of this website is written from the perspective of an open relationship.
The thought that is behind the columns and therapy are:
Loving more than one is easy
Taking care of more than one:
that is the challenge
An open relationship is about the most free form of intimate relationships. It is loving, vulnerable and precious. It is nice to have multiple intimate friendships and at the same time have the anchor of a steady partner.
It can also be hassle.
In an open relationship there is room for someone else. Admitting someone else into your relationship can feel safe for most couples when it comes to their own lover, but perhaps less safe when it comes to their partner’s lover. This is normal. You would think that the solution to this problem is to learn to let go. In my opinion, however, you can only admit someone else when you are safely connected to your steady partner, so when you learn to hold tight. This may sound like a contradiction, but in 2019 73% of my couples were still together when they left my office, so I truly believe this might be the right approach. On this website you can find the following:
Columns: Here you find columns about typical open relationship topics. The focus is not on how to be a perfect person for open relationships. The focus is more on the imperfect side and how to deal with that. Read more…
The therapist: Something about me. Opening our relationship around 10 years ago, has been a life changing event for me. Our relationship form changed, I switched careers, became a relationship counsellor, wrote a book “An open relationship is not for pussies” and next to counselling and writing I am now doing research. Next to that I have a husband, three kids, and three lovers. My husband had a wild beginning, but has one steady girlfriend now. Read more…
Emotionally Focused Therapy: Emotionally Focussed Therapy (EFT) is a model for relationship therapy. Changing from a monogamous to a consensual non-monogamous relationship (CNM) can lead to an increase of emotions. This also applies for changing from relationship forms within a CNM relationship, like from swinging to an open relationship, or from an open relationship to a polyamorous relationship. The aim is to understand the emotions that underlie (undesired) behaviour, as emotions are the goal and the means to change. Ultimately, this leads to new behavior. A more attached behavior, through which couples feel safer and more connected on a deeper level. Read more….
Practical information: if you are interested about open relationships and want to know more, or if you are struggling with your open relationship and you need (on-line) counselling, read more…..
Supervision for (EFT-)relationship counsellors: 3% of the couples are having a consensual non-monogamous relationship (CNM). But when they get stuck there is hardly any help. More and more relationship counsellors realize this group cannot be ignored, or labelled as seeking love outside, because the love inside the relationship is missing. But how to deal with the intense emotions? And the moralistic views on how relationships ‘should’ be? How to deal with the impact of a new lover? Do you also want to treat couples in CNM relationships, read more….
Research: A lot of research is being done with individuals. More and more researchers realize this leads to a kind of a survivor-bias: only the ones who are in favour of an open relationship will participate, perhaps leading to a positive outcome that is not representative. The follow up after 7 to 10 years is low. When an open relationship doesn’t work out, not a lot of people want to talk about it anymore. This was the case in the ’60 and ’70, but this is also the case now. My research includes partners with interesting results. But there is a lot to be done and I need your help. Read more….
Contact: If you need information or are stuck in your relationship and are looking for help, please contact:
Twitter: @open relations
Call: +31 (0)6 4158 7202
You can also go to the contact form: click here