Vulnerability makes an open relationship strong

January 2014 We’re both sitting with a beer in our hand at the regular table of our cafe. My husband looks at me with a crooked face. I know exactly why. “You like it when I can’t do something, don’t you?” he says. I’m thinking about the dance class I just took and I can’t suppress my laughter. A triumphant laugh. Not nice of me. But for the first time this week, I feel relieved and free. I could play a game with him now, start talking about something else or apologize to him. Quickly. So we don’t need to talk about it. But I decide to be honest with […]

We won’t tell anyone

Novembre 2013 “Why don’t you show yourself?” I expected a lot of substantive comments about my blog “cheating or an open relationship”. At the time of writing this was not so bad.  From all readers, both monogamous and polyamorous, I received compliments for the openness with which I had written this. What did emerge was that half of the reactions were about the fact that I wanted to remain anonymous. This surprised me. Is it so weird that we want to remain anonymous? Most lovers and mistresses we know do. Especially if they have a steady relationship and children of their own. I appreciated the understanding, but I was just […]

Cheating or an open relationship

Novembre 2013 I had been in a monogamous relationship with my husband for 23 years when I was seduced by a colleague. I had never had a relationship with anyone other than my husband and now it was thrown in my lap. I fell in love. Butterflies and panic For me there were 3 options back then: Quit the job, break contact and leave everything, the monogamous relationship, as it was. Don’t say anything to my husband and cheat on him. Tell my husband everything and see if there was room for an open relationship. Option 1 would be by far the most sensible. But when I was 80 years […]

Jealousy – Facing the monster with CBT

October 2013 If you suffer from jealous feelings in your open relationship, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be an effective method to control this monster and even turn the red thoughts around into green thoughts. Jealousy in an open relationship (1) – The red thought After 23 years of marriage, I knew what I had when it came to my husband. Jealous? Moi? Never! Until we started an open relationship. Sometimes I didn’t recognize myself and seeing the reflection of this green monster that lived in me. Luckily a part of me still knows that my husband is there so jealousy doesn’t take over. Because jealousy is not a pleasant […]

Stick your head in the sand

Written September 2013 “May I see her picture?” I ask my husband.  We have an open relationship, even though some might call it polyamory and my husband is dating again. Dating causes stress in our relationship. Our coping strategies to deal with stress are different. “I don’t think so.” He grins. He knows I’m curious. He also knows, that seeing a picture can  cause trouble. My husband likes to keep the troubles as little as possible. The nice thing about an open relationship is that you can have a relationship with someone else next to your primary relationship. An exciting, new experience. What’s harder in an open relationship is that […]